Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
