Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You pole danced in your parka.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
