i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Randomize
