I just pynch a tree in the face
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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