my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
