hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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