My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
