that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
