There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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