apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
tequila makes me forget i have legs
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
