guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
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