Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
