I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
