she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
