Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
