Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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