She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
