I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
