I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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