I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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