in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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