ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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