I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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