Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
