you're like a bully in the Christmas story
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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