She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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