he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
