I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
