one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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