the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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