oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
