I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
tell me about the eggs
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
