I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
