happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
