....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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