they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
