when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
