did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
