Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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