Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
