Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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