I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
