Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
