I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Did you pee in the oven last night??
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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