I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
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