i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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