plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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