So drunk, too bad you don't want this
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
