she looked like the bat from fern gully.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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