Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Randomize
