but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
