I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
