I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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