I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
