He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
sarcasm needs its own font
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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